Saying Good-Bye

When a loved one passes away it’s the anticipation that makes you scared and upset the most, knowing that at any point they could vanish and you will never see them again. When my grandmother passed away, it almost seemed like there was a three step process that lead you up to the most painful experience a person could go through. It started with finding out that she had cancer, and then continued with discovering that the cancer was caused by her smoking and finally seeing her for the last time and knowing that was the end. Everyone always says it, but no one believes it until it happens; you never realize how much you miss a person until they are gone.

The first step that had to be taken was accepting the fact that my grandmother had lug cancer. At first it didn’t seem like it was that big of an event; when we would go to visit her she looked normal and acted exactly the same way. My mom did seem a little nervous but no one ever made it seem as if she was so sick that it would cause her to pass away. Every time my family would visit my grandmother, she would always have cookies in the cookie jar but once she had started chemotherapy, that stopped and that’s when it started to hit me that she was really sick and could possibly die. However I was still in the stage that where I thought that it would eventually pass and I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. She had started to loose hair and had to wear a wrap around her head whenever we went out but she was still the same grandmother that she had been before she was diagnosed, which gave everyone hope. Soon after, I noticed that she became tired very easily and sometimes would have to pass on going out to shop and going to see movies and it not only began to make me nervous but it made me upset to know that she was becoming weaker everyday.

As time passed, and I noticed that my grandmother was getting worse and worse realized that I didn’t know how she got lung cancer; I never saw her smoke a cigarette or anything of the sort and I became confused. When I was 9 my grandfather had died because of smoking and I assumed since my grandmother saw it kill her husband she would never think to do the same thing. It wasn’t until she became sick that my mom told me my grandmother smoked at most one cigarette a day maybe not even that and it shocked me. When I heard that she was willing to put herself through this kind of thing even after having lost her husband to a similar cause made me angry with her. I never expressed that I was upset around her because she looked so fragile, but to know that she could have prevented her cancer and lived a little while longer was unnerving and frustrating because besides the smoking she was in excellent health. It was a painful stage to go through and it still upsets me and at times I feel bad for being mad at her for her own death and I have to remember her as my grandmother before I found out about her bad habit.

The day finally came to go visit my grandmother for the last time. No one ever told me it was the last visit but it was obvious to tell by how everyone in the house was acting, my mom was crying harder than usual and before I knew it I was trying to hold back tears when talking to my grandmother. I remember the day perfectly, she was lying in a hospital bed down in her basement and it was almost as if the woman lying there wasn’t my grandmother. My grandmother had always been a strong independent woman and seeing her lying their unable to do anything for herself made it even harder to look at her. My mom, my sister and I sat beside her bed talking to her for a long time and I didn’t want to leave because I knew the minute I was gone I had officially said goodbye. The worst part came when I had to lean in and give her a big hug and she looked at me and said “I love you,” and I as I was saying it back I was trying so hard not to cry in front of her. We walked up the stairs and I immediately started to cry and I remember getting in the car and driving away with the worst feeling a person could have in the pit of my stomach. The only thing I could ever regret about going to see her that day, was having my last memory of her being her lying in a hospital bed looking almost breakable but it was worth it to see her again.

Most people have gone through the pain of loosing someone close to them and it is never a hard process. The truth is though, that they never leave you and that it’s a way of life and there is nothing you can do about it. When my grandmother finally passed, I remember my mom telling me that she would want me to smile and not to cry over her because she would want me to continue being happy. Furthermore, as long as you never forget the memories you shared its ok to be happy when they are gone. I know that I was afraid I would get in trouble if I laughed even a little at a joke but my mom reassured me and now I no longer have that sad memory of my grandmother lying in a bed, instead I only remember all of the entertaining and fun things we did with her. The hardest part was just letting go and it eventually became better although I never actually stop thinking about her, which in my mind is a good thing.