WA1 - Final Draft

Every family has that one person, that when they walk into a room you can just feel their presence; my grandmother was that one person. When she would enter a room I would smile because it felt like anything bad that happened that day had been washed away by her presence. She was able to convince any body that she was right and most of the time she was. Her independence and composure was astounding, it almost seemed as if she had no fears and could take down anything that came at her except the one thing that no one has been able to defeat. When I was about 11, I found out my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer and she had to undergo chemo therapy. My grandmother having cancer was like going through a 3 step process which led up to one of the worst days a person has to endure. Each step made it harder to go an visit her, because each step led me closer to believing that her life was going to end a lot sooner than any of us imagined.

One weekend I went to visit my grandmother with my mom and sister, and as we entered the house, the smell of molasses cookies filled the room just as it did every time we went to see her. She had the sales ads out on the table, because she knew that we would want to do a little shopping when we were there, it seemed as if everything was normal and we all forgot that she had cancer. That’s when I had to take the first step, which was accepting the fact that she was sick, however I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. No one seemed too worried and we all stood around laughing and having a good time the same as always and it gave us all hope that maybe everything just might turn out the way we want. On our next visit I noticed that when we arrived there were no cookies to greet us and the sales ads were no where to be seen. It took her a tremendous amount of effort to climb up and down stairs; I knew she had started chemo but I never thought it would make her so weak. However I was still in the stage that where I thought that it would eventually pass and I didn’t stop to consider that she may be getting worse. She had started to loose hair and had to wear a wrap around her head whenever we went out but she was still the same grandmother that she had been before she was diagnosed. Soon after, I noticed that she became exhausted easily and sometimes would have to pass on going out to shop and going to see movies and it not only began to make me nervous but it made me upset to know that she was becoming weaker everyday. I didn’t want to believe the fact that she was sick and I might loose her, so I just kept acting like everything was okay, when in reality it was getting worse.

As time passed, and I noticed that my grandmother was getting worse and worse I realized that I didn’t know how she got lung cancer; I never saw her smoke a cigarette or anything of the sort and I became confused. When I was 9 my grandfather had died because of smoking and I assumed since my grandmother saw it kill her husband she would never think to do the same thing. It wasn’t until she became sick that my mom told me my grandmother smoked at most one cigarette a day maybe not even that and it shocked me. When I heard that she was willing to put herself through this kind of thing even after having lost her husband to a similar cause made me angry with her. I never expressed that I was upset around her because she looked so fragile, but to know that she could have prevented her cancer and lived a little while longer was unnerving and frustrating because besides the smoking she was in excellent health. I wanted to yell at her and ask her why she did it, knowing full well it could kill her but I had to contain myself and savoir what little time was left. It was a painful stage to go through and it still upsets me and at times I feel bad for being mad at her for her own death and I have to remember her as my grandmother before I found out about her bad habit, although sometimes it is a little difficult.

As I entered the house that day, I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and even though no one told me, it was obvious why we had come to visit, my mom was crying harder than usual. I remember the day perfectly, she was lying in a hospital bed down in her basement and it was almost as if the woman lying there wasn’t my grandmother almost as if I was meeting a whole new person.. My grandmother had always been a strong independent woman and seeing her lying their unable to do anything for herself made it even harder to look at her. My mom, my sister and I sat beside her bed talking to her for a long time and I didn’t want to leave because I knew the minute I was gone I had officially said goodbye. The worst part came when I had to lean in and give her a big hug and she looked at me and said “I love you,” and I as I was saying it back I was trying so hard not to cry in front of her. We walked up the stairs and I immediately started to cry and I remember getting in the car and driving away with the worst feeling a person could have in the pit of my stomach. The only thing I could ever regret about going to see her that day, was having my last memory of her being her lying in a hospital bed looking almost breakable but it was worth it to see her again. All of my emotions rushed through me, anger, sadness, love, it all came out and I didn’t know how to handle it, let alone control it, the pain she felt mixed with the pain I felt from knowing I had lost her.

Most people have gone through the pain of loosing someone close to them and it is never an easy process. The truth is though, that they never leave you and that it’s a way of life and there is nothing you can do about it. When my grandmother finally passed, I remember my mom telling me that she would want me to smile and not to cry over her because she would want me to continue being happy. Furthermore, as long as you never forget the memories you shared, you will never forget them. I know that I was afraid I would stop thinking about her and forget her completely. Luckily, I remember all of the entertaining and fun things we did with her like staying up late watching movies and laughing. Those are the memories that matter and the ones that you will never forget.